Always!

Today, I look ahead!  This week, I take care of another mass of cancer cells that seem to like my R thigh. 

Tuesday, I have my leg incision reopened and made larger.  I hope the damn cancer cells are removed this time! I do not care what this incision looks like!  It can be large!  It can leave an indentation on my upper R thigh!  I just want this lump gone!  No more cancer cells lurking threatening to grow larger or move on to other areas of my body!

Does it sound like I am angry?  I am pissed off!  I do not like the feeling of the needle piercing my skin to inject the lidocaine.  Yes, it will go numb and I will not feel the cutting or scraping but I know I will feel pain as soon as the lidocaine wears off.  Lidocaine burns!  Some areas of my body burn more than others but it burns regardless of the location.  I always expect the worse and brace my body for the entense burning!

Luckily my doctor is compassionate regarding how I am reacting or feel as he injects the lidocaine.  He continually asks, am I doing ok?  “Don’t hold your breath.  It will be over   soon”.

I engage in a conversation with the doctor and nurse.  I know the conversation is to try and keep my mind off what he is doing to my leg. I am saying words but I am very well aware of what is going on in the room.  Injections, numbness, pressure from blade cutting thru my skin, plastic cup that holds a small piece of my skin for biopsy, doctor saying it went well, nurse applying pressure to stop the bleeding, explaining again that I bleed, nurse applies a dressing, and I am given instructions on care and signs of infection.  

 Always pain!  Always hurt!  Always tears!

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