Today, I look ahead! This week, I take care of another mass of cancer cells that seem to like my R thigh.
Tuesday, I have my leg incision reopened and made larger. I hope the damn cancer cells are removed this time! I do not care what this incision looks like! It can be large! It can leave an indentation on my upper R thigh! I just want this lump gone! No more cancer cells lurking threatening to grow larger or move on to other areas of my body!
Does it sound like I am angry? I am pissed off! I do not like the feeling of the needle piercing my skin to inject the lidocaine. Yes, it will go numb and I will not feel the cutting or scraping but I know I will feel pain as soon as the lidocaine wears off. Lidocaine burns! Some areas of my body burn more than others but it burns regardless of the location. I always expect the worse and brace my body for the entense burning!
Luckily my doctor is compassionate regarding how I am reacting or feel as he injects the lidocaine. He continually asks, am I doing ok? “Don’t hold your breath. It will be over soon”.
I engage in a conversation with the doctor and nurse. I know the conversation is to try and keep my mind off what he is doing to my leg. I am saying words but I am very well aware of what is going on in the room. Injections, numbness, pressure from blade cutting thru my skin, plastic cup that holds a small piece of my skin for biopsy, doctor saying it went well, nurse applying pressure to stop the bleeding, explaining again that I bleed, nurse applies a dressing, and I am given instructions on care and signs of infection.
Always pain! Always hurt! Always tears!